The July/August 2009 Scientific American Mind magazine posed this question to researcher Judith Rich Harris. She believes “parents matter much less-at least when it comes to determining the behavior of their children-than is typically assumed.” And her comment about how a child’s personality development and behavior is influenced by genetics (nature): “Unless we know what a child brings to the environment [genetics], we can’t figure out what effect the environment has on the child.” (Refer to Harris’s book The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do.)
Both nurture and nature are influential, though the degree of influence continues to be a controversy. Do parents matter? Here’s my answer after nearly forty years as a child mental health counselor, parent of four children, and a “papa” of seven grandchildren. Yes, more than peers during the first four through six years of age, and equal to peers and teachers from then on. What about genetics (nature)? Genetics is the foundation of a child’s personality and behavior. Nurturers (parents, peers, teachers) can noticeably modify genetic personality traits and behavior.
“From birth on, my six-year-old, Ethan, has always been so active and gets upset at the littlest thing. And usually he has a mini temper tantrum when he has to stop something he likes. I’ve tried everything, and nothing works. Help!”
More than likely these behaviors are a result of genetics-his nature or temperament traits. (Always rule out the possibility of an emotional disorder like depression, ADHD, or anxiety by consulting a licensed mental health therapist specializing with children.)
There are nine temperament traits: (1) activity level, (2) regularity, (3) adaptability, (4) approach/withdrawal, (5) physical sensitivity, (6) intensity of reaction, (7) distractibility (8) positive or negative mood, and (9) persistence. Each child has these traits; they’re born with them (Thomas, Chess 1977). The expression of each trait, however, differs with each child. Ethan’s activity level is high, while Ethan’s sister’s activity level is low. Ethan struggles with intensity of reaction (#6) and adaptability (#3)
Parenting Tip: Parenting must consider your child’s nine temperament traits.
Let’s apply the tip to Ethan’s problem. “Why does Ethan throw a temper tantrum whenever I say no? It seems like Ethan’s been this way since birth. But now, by age six, he ought to be able to go from one thing to the next without throwing a fit. And it seems like he skipped walking and went right to running. I’ve tried everything: rewards, reasoning, taking things away, and yeah, a spanking or two. Can you help?”
Sounds like it’s a nature or a genetic issue. Three of Ethan’s temperament traits are difficult to manage: adaptability, intensity of reaction, and activity level. (See August 3 blog for a trait list.) First, however, you need to check with your pediatrician to discover whether your son may have an emotional problem like ADHD, depression, or anxiety. A recent study confirmed that depression is possible in children as young as three to six (Denver Post, 8/4/2009, http://ift.tt/1DI5aTt). For now let’s assume Ethan’s behavior difficulties are caused by the three temperament trait characteristics.
Here are three guidelines that will help you work with Ethan:
• Accept these traits as part of Ethan’s nature (hard to do but important); they can be modified.
• Work with the traits not against them.
• Validate the feelings underneath the behavior.
Let’s apply the guidelines to the first two traits of adaptability and intensity of reaction (temper outburst).
Adaptability is a shifting problem: hard to stop one thing and go to another. Keep your voice calm throughout. This is especially important for children with the intensity of reaction trait.
When Ethan’s calm, let him know how you are going to help him: You’ll set a timer for five minutes as a signal when to stop. After the timer goes off, you’ll count to three. If he does not stop the activity you’ll say something like “I know this is really hard to stop; I’ll help you.” Then you gently take the truck away. Of course the temper outburst will happen. You’ll walk away and not talk (Act not Yak- http://ift.tt/TAg20j). Staying there actually fuels the outburst. If there’s no audience, the performance soon stops.
Parenting Tip: After accepting your child’s traits as inborn, fit your parenting into your child’s temperament traits.
What should you expect? Follow the three guidelines consistently for three weeks and modification of trait expression will happen.
Gary M. Unruh, MSW LCSW has been a child and family mental health counselor for nearly forty years. He has raised four children, and he is a very proud “papa” of seven terrific grandchildren.
Unruh’s unique contribution to parenting literature is identification and application of easy-to-apply parental-love behaviors. This successful parenting approach helps parents focus on the good at the center of a child; during both good and difficult times. Through his years of clinical experience, Unruh concluded, “The behaviors of parental love are the essential ingredients needed to fully develop your child’s unique potential; resulting in abounding self-confidence and joy.
Visit his web site http://ift.tt/1D14B8P for more details on this powerful parenting approach.
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